Angela Killian

I moved to Thailand 1 month after graduating university at the age of 24. I had hardly been out of the U.S. except for family cruises and Mexico, so I had no idea what to expect out of Asia.

I had already left my hometown for Orlando, Florida by the age of 19 so I suppose you could call me a “traveler”. I loved the freedom of starting over and creating my own life in Florida. I even loved the struggles that came with being a full time student and full time employee because it felt authentic.

My boyfriend had done a 1 month backpacking trip around Asia and spent 1 week in Thailand so I trusted his judgment when he said, “It’s amazing”. We had been together less than 1 year when I bought my one-way ticket to Phuket. I had no jobs lined up, but I did have my certification to teach English as a foreign language along with my bachelor’s degree and can-do attitude.

We both sold our cars on the way to the airport so I had exactly $2,000 USD to set up my new life in Thailand. Any money I had saved in college was spent on the one-way plane ticket. I would later have $12,000 USD in unexpected student loan debt to pay off 6 months after my graduation date, but that tidbit hadn’t been brought to light yet.

I desperately wanted to have the type of experience you read about in books or hear at dinner parties. I wanted to be a sponge and absorb all of the Thai culture and most importantly expand my mind. Those were the personal goals I had unofficially set for myself. However, upon arriving at Phuket airport, my experience was quite different. My positive outlook and open-mind suddenly became clouded when I saw where I had agreed to live for the next year of my life.

“Dirty chaos” is the best way to describe the way I remember it. Everything was unorganized and people’s level of English ability was nowhere near what I had hoped. The buildings and streets were filthy and the people were impoverished. I was disillusioned because I had only heard about how “beautiful” Phuket was. “How could they have been talking about THIS place?” I wondered.

We took a taxi from the airport to our guesthouse in Patong, where we would stay the night. The first things I noticed on the drive were the street signs and advertisements. Everything was in Thai. “How am I supposed to find what I need? This is going to be so difficult.” I thought to myself. The guesthouse, which Joe had carefully selected to suit my “high standards”, was exactly like something from The Beach- very local and kind of rundown, although clean. I couldn’t get over the smell in Patong which was something like piss, shit, vomit and death. It radiated up from the street gutters.

Disappointment was rampant in the following weeks after beginning my first teaching job at a government school, continued through my second job at a private school and followed me to my 3^rd job at a 5 star hotel. I was climbing the ladder of success and increasingly unhappy with my life situation for many reasons that I can only summarize here in a brief sentence; Thailand living & working standards were below those in America and that made me restless and thus, unhappy.

It took 3 years for me to admit that I hated Thailand. My ego took over from the very first day I stepped off the airplane. I projected all my expectations of how life would be in Thailand onto everyone and everything. Nothing was good enough for me and in my mind, I deserved better. I was completely miserable as a result. Instead of accepting the culture, I constantly questioned and challenged it. Instead of seeing the beauty in the land and simplicity of life, I saw the trash and ignorant people who made it that way. My ego wanted Thailand to function like America because that’s what I was comfortable with. Doing things any other way was erroneous in my mind.

I considered myself a spiritual person before moving to Thailand. I did yoga regularly and meditated occasionally. I even felt waves of peaceful awareness at times. During those short periods I felt extremely sensitive to the environment. By that, I mean all the colors and sounds were more vivid, the plants more beautiful and everything felt connected…and no, I wasn’t on drugs.

After 2 years, my position was eliminated at the hotel I had been working at. I wasn’t technically fired…the company simply decided to discontinue my contract and not replace me with anyone else because there was a new general manager. The GM had called me into his office around 2pm and I was forced to hold in my tears until 6pm when I finished work. Joe picked me up that day in the car rental we shared, as usual. I broke down as soon as I was safely in the car. The sobbing came from a place deep inside of me that had been resisting Thailand from day 1 and losing my job the last straw.

I was having a total identity crisis. I had busied myself so much with work to gain a perceived purpose that I lost sight of who I truly was without it. The funny thing is that I hated my job. I hated the people I worked with, I hated my office and I hated the process of dealing with Thai people. Why did I ever identify myself with something that caused so much discomfort?

I wasn’t completely black-hearted towards my colleagues though. I did have a few moments of clarity when I could see the simple happiness in people’s eyes and the unquestioned respect they had towards me because I was a foreign teacher. Sadly, those moments were often quickly forgotten in the fog of annoyance and frustration that made up my everyday reality.

It took an emotional breakdown for me to examine my destroyed mental state. The extreme discomfort I felt brought on a forced purification of my spirit. Have you ever hurt so bad that there was no other choice except to continue hurting or fix the problem? I hated Thailand, I hated Thai people and I hated my job. Every day was a battle against what I intended my life to be and what I was certain I deserved.

I didn’t work for 8 months in order to get my head straight despite Joe urging me to get a new job as quickly as possible for visa purposes. I knew I wasn’t mentally well. The extreme outbursts of anger and anxiety were not normal, even for my high strung, OCD self. I constantly turned over past scenarios in my head. “What if…”, I would think. I also vividly relived past failures which caused uncontrollable uneasiness and guilt. Why do we force ourselves to suffer so much? Why do we allow ourselves to feel so guilty all the time?

I finally became so exhausted that I decided to surrender and stop fighting my existence in Thailand. I decided that I didn’t want to hate or feel guilty anymore. I wanted to love, no matter what. It’s funny when you realize you actually have a choice in what you hate and that very few things should result in shame. If you strip away the layers of hate brought on by your ego, you will find it surprisingly easy to love.

My cathartic experience began after I read the Untethered Soul. All of the things that came so easily before moving to Thailand suddenly came surging back into my body. After all, the spirit cannot forget how to breathe.

Now it feels as if I have been asleep these past 4 years in Thailand. In retrospect, I think the culture shock and struggle to adjust was too much for me to handle and I did what I was used to doing when I was uncomfortable; avoid. That was the longest I have ever gone without being in touch with myself spiritually and it was the most painful time in my life. I was unconscious a lot of the time at work and even on vacation. It was difficult for me to absorb memories and the beauty in life. I was so busy replaying negativity in my mind that I missed the positive moments in my present life. I viewed the world around me as “Dirty Chaos” and so that’s all I could feel. Poor Joe was always a patient shining ball of light and encouragement, but even he did not know how to make me happy. There was no way he would have been able to help me. Luckily I was able to pull myself up by my boot straps emotionally and spiritually.

Now I choose to see the world around me as beautiful and full of love. It’s as if I am seeing Thailand for the very first time. Everything appears brighter, more vibrant and full of life. Things that used to cause me to struggle and ask, “why?” are now simply accepted with respect. I want to re-do all of the things I have already done in Thailand and see them through my new eyes. I’ve been working at a new job for the past 6 months and it’s totally exclusive from my personal life and identity. The same pitfalls are there, but I’m totally unattached.

I feel very lucky to have this second chance to love Thailand. Many foreigners come and go with a feeling of hate towards Thailand and its people. It’s easy to be centered when you are surrounded by the comfort of familiarity. Sometimes people need to purge and start fresh. Strip your life of what you know and see what happens. There may be a whole new person inside of you that’s waiting to be discovered. The human spirit is boundless. Where will you take yours?