Angela Killian

All relationship rules have been socially constructed and promoted through social media, TV, radio, religion and word of mouth over time.  These rules are abstract and intangible, yet most people seem to understand and abide by them because it’s what we’ve done for thousands of years.

Platonic relationships

According to Anthropologist Robin Dunbar, (Psychology Today article link), humans are capable of maintaining a maximum of 150 personal relationships at any given time.

Think about the type of relationships you have with these hypothetical 150 friends. You probably like these people to different degrees and most definitely met them at different times in your life. Do you have the same friendship dynamic with all 150 of these people? Absolutely not. Why? …because all types of people interact together differently based on personality, past experience, mood and various other factors. I had superficial friendships in college that I would never consider maintaining now in my late 20’s.

Romantic relationships

Now think about your current and past romantic relationships. There are probably less than 150 (we’re talking about relationships, not one night stands). I personally have been exclusively and romantically involved with 3 people in my lifetime. I’ve casually dated other people for 1 week to 1 month periods, but I don’t count those as I didn’t feel attached, involved or in love.

A survey done by Opera North via Elite Daily indicates that people will only fall in love 4 times in a lifetime. We can’t know for sure how accurate these survey results are because of many variables, but the information is interesting nonetheless. I personally choose to believe that people have an unlimited ability to give and receive love. It all depends on how  receptive you are.

Something fascinating to note is that, of the 2,000 people surveyed, one-third believe it is possible to be in love with more than one person at once. That brings me to my next point…

Every time you fall in love will be different

We expect it to be the same every time because of how it’s portrayed in movies and literature, but it’s not. It’s ridiculous to even assume that it could be the same every time. We’ve already established that platonic friendships are all different, so why would we assume that romantic relationships are meant to be the same?

We are afraid to admit that romantic love is different every time because of how our lover might react. “Did she love him more?” “Is she still in love with him?” It is possible and natural for people to love multiple people in different ways with identical intensity. Don’t think it’s possible? Think about your two best friends. You love them equally, but have a different dynamic and connection with each one. I assume this theory could be applied to parents with multiple children as well.

Because romantic love is different every time, people get confused. We have been programmed to think  that ex-lovers are to be ignored or even hated and conclude that any amiable thoughts means we are “still in love with them”. I agree that it is foolish to stay close friends after long romantic involvement. You need some time apart to lick your wounds and get over each other, but there is no reason to not be on good terms. I only feel love for the wellbeing of my past romantic relationships, so I have never been in love with two people at once, but I can understand how the two could be perplexing.

Adverse ex-lovers

I believe ex-lovers who harbor strong negative emotions for each other are still wildly in love. Strong negative feelings means there is something unresolved or unanswered. Why else would you waste your energy on that person? My parents are a prime example of this notion. They have been divorced since I was 2 years old. 26 years later, there is still awkward tension in the room when they are together. In fact, they refused to be in the same room until both of my sisters got married last year. Now one of my sisters has a daughter and they’re forced to muster polite formalities on a regular basis. Once upon a time it was the perfect set-up for teenage girls pulling the wool over their divorced parents’ eyes’ though. “I’m staying at my mom’s this weekend.” Riiiiiight.

Relationships through association

Moving on from platonic and romantic relationships, there are also strong beliefs about relationships through association. Everyone knows the hardest part of a break-up is breaking up with the family. It sucks to lose mutual friends, who will inevitably be forced to choose a side, but dumping the family has historically been an issue for me.

We’re also not supposed to associate with various other people who may have been connected with past / current and future people of importance in our lives. Whether it’s your ex-boyfriend’s mother, your father’s mistress or your husband’s ex-girlfriend…we are told that it’s not okay to build relationships with those people.

The open-minded, unbiased individual would ask, “Why not?” Some people are immature and jealous. Some people think maintaining a relationship with someone will somehow influence a relationship with someone who doesn’t personally associate with that particular person. Disloyalty and untrustworthy labels are attached when you become friends with your dad’s “secretary”, but why should it really affect the relationship you have with your mother? “I can’t be friends with her, my mother would be so upset.” So all your friends and family members are required to hate all your enemies in order to keep the relationship intact? From a distance, this type of relationship manipulation appears to be nothing more than elementary playground rules and yet, we all pretty much subscribe to this way of thinking.

Questionable and inappropriate

I have always been fascinated by people with questionable and inappropriate friendships. Have we reduced ourselves so much as humans that we only care about our social status in society? The answer is yes. I grew up in a divorced family with step and ex-step siblings, mothers and fathers. My whole life I have just wanted everyone to get along and get over the past. I’ve always been fascinated by my boyfriend’s exes. Initially the curiosity stemmed from the obvious petty questions – “Is she prettier / skinnier than me?”, “Who has better hair?”, “Who’s has better style?” but I’ve always felt amiable towards the exes because

1 – You probably have more in common than you think considering you chose the same guy

2 – You already won because you’re currently with said guy.

Over the years I’ve even grown to accept one-night stand run-ins. The awkward song and dance of running into people like this is comedic enough to make you okay with the fact that they screwed your boyfriend first. We’re all just people trying to come out on top. Pun intended.

The challenge is to see people and potential relationships objectively- no titles or expectations attached. The hardest part is forgetting our fake prejudices. You can’t project other people’s prejudices onto possible friends and acquaintances. That’s textbook insanity. Every interaction has a permanent influence in our lives no matter how you know the person. I constantly want to be evolving in this area. We should all open our minds to the opportunity an interaction brings. We can learn from each person we encounter, no matter whom they have slept with.